1. Packing the car is like a particularly perilous game of Jenga. One false move and that boot will never shut.
2. The front seat passenger will be contorted in all directions due to the extra luggage at their feet.
3. You realise “Are we nearly there yet?” could be a useful interrogation tactic. Especially when it starts five minutes from home.
4. The comfortable time threshold for a car journey is 90 minutes by which time you’re willing to spend £7 on a sandwich each at the services just for a change of scene.
5. The 50mph signs on the M5 seem like a cruel joke because you’ve covered 0.9 miles in 20 minutes.
6. When you arrive where you’re staying, you realise you’ve forked out a small fortune to stay somewhere that is a fraction of the size of your home.
7. When you’re settled in to your accommodation, Wi-Fi is slow to the point of uselessness or non-existent. No streaming here!
8. The children’s holiday money will be spent on day one, often within the first hour, on an overpriced and ill-judged purchase.
9. But they will still ask for more during every other day of your holiday. Especially when you’re in the vicinity of a shop. Which is pretty much all the time.
10. Gift shops will become scene of nightmarish negotiations when you refuse to fork out £7.99 for a frisbee that your child insists they need.
11. You will never have packed enough pants for the children. Even the contingency ones will be used up with unexpected incidents such as rushing down a soggy slide or running into seawater in clothes.
12. There will be public tantrums on monumental scales attracting a mixture of disgust/sympathetic gazes.
13. Shattered from lack of sleep, the children will insist they can’t walk so you finish the holidays with superb biceps.
14. You’ll find yourself incredulous at the cost of any tourist attraction. £60 to look at a garden? Are you kidding me?
15. The British weather means you must bring coats/sun cream/hats/wellies/flip flops for every trip out so a 6lb bag accompanies you at all times. And you’ll still have forgotten something.
16. You’ll only realise you’ve forgotten that important thing when you’re miles from the car.
17. Despite your meticulous route planning and sat nav system, you will get lost usually as a child announces that they really need a wee.
18. Your child will start singing their rudest song during a quiet, educational day out making you want to crawl under the nearest table. Bum bum song at the museum anyone?
19. Someone will drop their ice cream the second after you’ve paid for it.
20. Any dream of a nice meal out will be shattered by the reality of overtired children and frazzled parents. Cereal it is then!
21. The onsite entertainment will remind you of Phoenix Nights, but the kids will love it and worship the oversized animal mascot sent out to interact with them.
22. The lack of structure means the children won’t sleep so your days consist of parenting between the hours of 5am until 9pm, when you collapse in an exhausted heap, too tired for wine.